Jesus Christ visits Sarah Silverman to discuss women’s reproductive rights.
A lady is defined as a well-mannered and considerate woman with high standards of proper behavior.
Here’s a list of why I will never be a lady, defined by society.
1. I poop. I talk about pooping. I often refer to my poop as butt pee. I do this because I drink too much, which results in unsatisfactory poops. See, I’m doing it again. I can’t stop talking about poop. I poop every single day, unless I’m on vacation. You really realize how much you’ve taken poop for granted when you’re constipated. Sometimes I feel like my poop has a mind of its own. It sneaks up and scares me! It embarrasses me. But more often than not, it makes me happy. I wish poop wasn’t the butt of so many jokes.
2. I sex. I talk about sexing. I often refer to my sex as “eh.” I do this because I drink too much, which results in unsatisfactory sex. See, I’m doing it again. I can’t stop talking about sex. I wish I had sex every single day, especially on vacation. You really realize how much you’ve taken sex for granted when you’re constipated. Sometimes I feel like my sex has a mind of its own. It sneaks up and scares me! It embarrasses me. But more often than not, it makes me happy. I wish sex wasn’t the butt of so many jokes. To be clear though, I don’t have any issue with sex in butts.
3. I don’t wear lipstick. I want people to think about the words coming out of my mouth rather than the color of it.
4. I raise my voice defending what I believe in.
5. I use foul language in a joking manner. Because it is not the word itself that carries meaning. It is the intention behind it.
6. I show cleavage of both my breasts and butt. Neither one brings me joy. However, cracks of any kind in the human body are humorous. You know what the doctor always says “A crack a day keeps the pain at bay.”
7. I constantly screw up famous quotes.
8. I admit defeat.
9. I apologize.
10. I get jealous, angry, embarrassed, sad, flustered, horny, excited, loud, quiet…
Am I well-mannered and considerate? Yes.
Do I have high standards of proper behavior? No.
I’m not a lady.
One of my coworkers in the cubicle next to me clips their fingernails daily. This is one of the worst things you can do in a small office, right next to smelling up the centrally located bathroom. In my passive aggressive state, I decided to give him a dose of his own medicine. I clipped my nails loud and proud today. Fingernails were flying while the sound of snipping drowned out my evil cackle. Turns out karma really is a bitch. My coworker called in sick today. So all I have to show for this immature behavior is jagged nails and a clipping in my coffee. Way to go, Marial.
In other news, I feel naked without makeup. Good thing I LOVE BEING NAKED!
Also, Caribou’s new advertising campaign sounds eerily close to what a cocaine dealer told me once. “Life is short. Stay awake for it.”
Yesterday I went to an acoustic show downtown. It was fun to be around people with totally different interests and talents. For the last sixth months I’ve been spending almost all of my time around comics, which I’ve loved, don’t get me wrong. But it was nice to just watch someone on stage and not judge them, envy them or feel bad for them.
Like many people do at concerts, I fell in lust with the drummer. Unfortunately, he had a big ole ring on his left hand. So I quickly decided to settle for the chello player. He may not have been as sexy, but at least he’d be good with his fingers! Turns out he had a girlfriend. So, like too many of my nights, I ended up at the bar alone. Usually, I would have convinced my bartender to over serve me and take me home. But my bad luck continued. He was gay.
So what I’m trying to say is I’m lonely, horny and ready to get back to comedy this weekend! Any friends in Rochester, MN come on down to Goonie’s Comedy Club!! Shows are at 8 & 10pm Friday & Saturday!